Hello, it's fine! I'm fine. Thank you for asking.

 Hello again, friends.

It sure has been a while, hasn't it? Sorry for the absence, and absence so long it felt like every day was a lifetime... a lifetime of lifetimes, chained one to the other like the slow progression of a chain gang across the plains of Tartarus, ever slogging toward an unknowable goal and an ever-retreating finale to our mortality which would, though cold and uncaring, bring about final respite.

I was at a café. Yes, a café.

It was a very large café and there were so, so many other patrons there, all equally as thrilled as I was to be there! The baristas there were ever so professional and in no way diminished our experience of being in the café. Some baristas were particularly enthusiastic in their approach to customer service, which is an admirable trait. A few were so enthusiastic that I genuinely felt bad they lavished so much attention on me, and I kind of wish they would share some of that special treatment with some of the other inmates.

Patrons.

But now I'm back, friends, and eager to share once again my personal experiences of life here in Glorious Latveria and my perspective on our Benevolent Leader, Doctor Victor von Doom.

Where to begin? A lot has changed since my time in the café. I notice that the new RDS teams are running on some kind of sustainable bio-fuel, instead of costly and polluting electrical power from the hydroelectric stations that line River Doom. I must admit, I had a bit of a hard time finding out more details about the bio-fuel, as I was busy trying to reconnect with some of the other patrons of the café that I had forged friendships with, but it seems a great many of them have moved without notice. Near as I can figure, they even moved about the time this bio-fuel was introduced. What a funny coincidence, hey?

My job at the munitions factory was waiting for me, and I am lucky enough to return to my 17 hour shifts, 6 days a week for as much money as I deserve for performing this important job. I go back tomorrow, so for today, I am going to take some time to myself and just lie down on the grass on the banks of Lake Doom and bask in the light of the patrol spotlights, breathe in the scent of the Doomflowers, and be thankful I am finally finished my coffee.

Corrections

Wow, do I ever have to apologize, here. Not for the absence from posting, but for the incredible innacuracies in my last post. I was totally off-base. I mean, squirrels? Disrupting all of Latveria's communications? What was I thinking, huh? Ha ha!

Anyway, for my clearly lunatic lies, I got to spend some time in a lovely rehabilitaion facility lovingly called Doom's Crushing Fist. It is a wonderfully state-of-the-art facility attended by the best, super-best-I-just-can't-say-enough-good-about-them, not at all unecessarily cruel exemplars of civic responsibility and kindness I have ever had the privilege of meeting. Yes, my time in Latveria's Correctional System was most enlightening and edifying.

I got to meet some wonderfl people and engage in relationships I might never have entertained otherwise. I still feel the impact of those relationships on te outside, every time I close my eyes, or lie down to sleep... or when someone touches my back on the subway... or when my wife whispers in my ear...

Yes, it was certainly a life-changing experience, but not one that I hope to repeat any time soon. After all, I'd hate to think that I would be taking some other lucky person's spot in that magnificent institute. No, I think I'll just double-check my facts from now on.

Yes, sir, a wonderful time was had by all!

Internet Outage

Man, not doing so well with the thrice-weekly updates, am I? This time, I have an excuse. (A better one than the time I was taken for questioning by friendly, efficient Doombots!)

Local ISPs went down a few days ago when Latveria experienced a sudden surge in the Squirrel population; seems the little monsters got to chewing on some important wires which resulted in the entire telecommunications grid going offline. Given that radio, television, and telephone all went down at the same time, it seems that this may have been a coordinated assault on glorious Latveria by the evil rodents. Well, that didn't go over well with our beloved monarch, Doctor Doom, needless to say. To say our leader has some dislike of the rodents is a bit of an understatement. It's perfectly natural when you consider his victorious tactical retreat from combat so many years ago while in combat with Iron Man and Squirrel Girl.

Naturally, with only the desire to do right by the people of glorious Latveria, Doctor Doom single-handedly ended the squirrel menace of the past few weeks. And, in order to keep the population of sinister squirrels to a minimum (ie. zero), he has also instituted entirely well-conceived and fully-thought-out squirrel bounties. I, for one, am thrilled to live in a country where ordinary citizens are encouraged to fire wilfully at tiny, fast-moving rodents regardless if they are in densely-populated urban areas. I can see no possible downside to this course of action.

Happy To Be of Service

Sorry there was no update so far this week-- you know how it is. You're on your merry way to work at the munitions factory when BAM! a friendly RDS shows up to take you to a secret, underground bunker for interrogation. Of course, I was happy to go with the Doombots. There's just something about a squad of killer robots that makes you feel like helping out!

I was questioned for a couple days about my blog, here. Seems like our beloved monarch, Doctor Doom has some concerns about this sort of thing, and who can blame him? For all he knows, I could be sending secret messages to someone through this blog. I was asked a lot of times if I knew anyone abroad, maybe in the united states, possibly by the name of Reed Richards.

You don't grow up in Doomstadt without knowing about Reed Richards, of course. Man, that guy is a douche! All he ever seems to do is come here with his weird family and mess up property values. Hello! Latveria to Reed Richards: just stay home or something. Get a hobby, man! How about messing up someone else's back yard, like the Negative Zone maybe?

Anyhoo... long story short: I'm back at work now and the RDS was kind enough to leave my arms in functional condition. How many Americans can boast that their mechanized militia force is that considerate, huh?

Early to Bed, Early to Rise

There's nothing like the crisp, invigorating smell of a Latverian morning. Ah, the cool scent of the mountain air as it whistles down Mount Doom, across Doom Lake, and into Doomstadt, bringing with it the delicate fragrance of the blossoming Doomflowers. The dazzling brilliance of the rising sun as it crests the mountains and shines on the 301-ft. statue of Doctor Doom (take that, Kim Jong Il!) casting his magnificent shadow across my lawn. All our lawns, actually-- it's a really big statue!

I can't wait to get to work this morning. I get to work 17 hours a day at a munitions factory. Sure, I could let myself be upset by the fact that I earn a fraction of what American munitions factory workers must earn, but at least I get the satisfaction of knowing that, at the end of the day, if I've done my job well, I won't be drafted for RDS targeting-calibration testing!

How many Americans have that kind of job satisfaction, huh?

Why I love living in Latveria

First off, life here in Doomstadt is great! Necessarily! I know we get a lot of bad press abroad but you can't believe everything you see in the news. Latveria is a beautiful country with majestic mountains, rolling hills, crystal clear lakes, and (only rarely) robot death squads in the occasional alleyway.

You probably cringed when you read that but it's not all that bad, actually. You have to look at the up side of having robot death squads (RDSes, we call them!) patrolling the cities and listening in on every whispered conversation... and trust me, there is an up side. We're all told so by our beloved monarch, the benevolent Doctor Doom, and we trust our beloved monarch. Necessarily! (Heck, it was part of his most re-election campaign: Trust Doom. You don't really have any other choice. And he won the election by a landslide, too! Of course there were no other candidates but still...)

Yeah, life in Latveria is pretty good. Heck, even the oppression's not so bad once you realize that you're pretty much in it for the long haul and have no choice but to accept your fate. And it could be worse, right? I mean, it's not like we all run the risk of some day being reduced to a nutrient and protein rich sludge by nanobots from another country or anything, right?

Right?